we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
