your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
