i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
