yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
