Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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