you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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