She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
