I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
