I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
