The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
All the doctor said was why
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
