we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
