I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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