Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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