I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
tonight lets celebrate not being married
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
