She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
