i was born a porn star she said
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
