I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
