you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
