True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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