Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
