Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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