So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
