I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
