I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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