I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
