Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
