I think my vagina is haunted
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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