I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
