Duck Duck Cougar?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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