he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
