Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
