I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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