Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
