did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
