that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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