I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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