I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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