I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize