her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
