all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
