are you still at the devil's house?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
