My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Randomize
