not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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