it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
