You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
