Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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