My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
