I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
