I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
