I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
