You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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