My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
