OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
