dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
