just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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