so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
