dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
