So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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