They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
