An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
