Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
a search helicopter?!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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