Where did you get a picture of my penis
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
